Okay, so I know it has been an insanely long time since I have written on this blog. What has happened since then? Several things...
1) My kids and I were in a near fatal car accident in February; the care hit a patch of black ice on a patch of road that was turning in a downward slope towards a recently thawed creek and landed in the water. But due to the kindness of strangers and the grace of God we were rescued within 3 minutes and out of the water without a scratch.
2) I quit my job at the School of the Arts cause I was tired of the school board jerking me around
3) My husband and I agreed that it was time for me to go back to performing full time
4) I got offered an awesome gig soon there after and all of the local houses announced their seasons which have awesome roles for me
5) I found out I was pregnant which put a slight snafu in the performing plans but did not derail them entirely
That is a mouthful, I know.
but I feel the need to unburden after all of that. some of it is through writing and I havent had a journal in a while. and I need to especially with starting this process of rehearsing, etc. and my director is driving me a little nuts. She didn't used to--I think its because of the pregnancy hormones. You know how there are some people you can't stand when youre preggers? She's one of them. At least in certain situations. I think it will be fine once we are in actually rehearsal, but the outside of there she gets on my everlasting nerves!!!
anywho, that felt good. More later. Peace
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Grace's head
Im a cartoonist now! will wonders never cease. Thanks to light-skinned-ed girl for ths link to toonlet. Its a lot of fun.
toonlet: Grace's head
toonlet: Grace's head
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Shout outs...
Check the side bar, there are a couple of blogs I've been lurking around, that I recently delurked...from...picture me searching for words...any who, I think that they are worth reading if you have the time and inclination. More later
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Yay!
Browngirl stopped by:
well said girlie! i love the last part about sitting at the computer but nor rolling on the floor....i'm trying to embrace the same ideas you expressed here.thanx for stopping by blog also. glad you enjoy my little microcosm... that was a comment to your "next level" post btw.
I love getting new readers/sistafriends!
well said girlie! i love the last part about sitting at the computer but nor rolling on the floor....i'm trying to embrace the same ideas you expressed here.thanx for stopping by blog also. glad you enjoy my little microcosm... that was a comment to your "next level" post btw.
I love getting new readers/sistafriends!
And we're back...
Okay, so I think the end of last year caught up with me this week. So much so, that for a moment, I thought I was pregnant. I kept coming home and just falling asleep. Much like what has happened to me in the first tri-mester of both of my pregnancies. That coupled with the fact that my dear husband and I have had a rebirth in our marriage since the beginning of the year, made it a very real possibility. But, alas, the test was negative.
I have mixed feelings about it. I mean, I am truly okay that I am not. But I don't want to wait as long as we did with in between the Profound one and the Mighty one. (FYI--those are the meanings of my kids first names, Profound and Mighty, respectively). But I also miss the stage, this year I've been doing more directing than anything. But I miss performing. I always feel like I'm losing my edge if I'm not in a show. Though it has slowed down in the past two years, the work I have done, has been significant, and I feel is contributing to my longevity. however, I am an actress. I want to do a show darn it! So, that is the end of my whining for the moment.
Star over at Other Stories has begun an interesting exercise, check out the post "memory lane: take one."
What really interests me about it, are the things that become flashbulb memories for us. We may not remember every detail of these memories, but they effect us so much that we are shaped by them. For whatever reason, reading that post made me think of one of these memories, also surrounding body image, I guess that would be the reason, ha!
My dad, stepmom and I were in Krauss, a privately owned department store where my parents worked. I can never remember if Star was there or not, sometimes, I think she was, other times, I think she wasn't. Anyway, we were on the escalator, and I remember, I was feeling badly about the way my stomach stuck out. I was an overweight child, no doubt resulting from grief over the death of my mother, and the fact that everytime I tried to talk about it, someone would feed me, sugar or salt, because they were ill-equipped to discuss suicide with a child who was old enough to understand what happened, and that it was something we didn't talk about, and the fact that it wasn't a regular kind of suicide, because I knew mommy wasn't herself, only to find out, finally, at about 19, she had post-partum psychosis, and nobody, and I mean nobody was able to just say, we love you and we know that you are sad, and give me hug, or hell an apple instead of a cookie, so you have a ten year old with body issues...
so (step)Mom decided that she was gonna get me some tummy control undies, cause she didn't know what to do either, and she didn't want to "live in the shadow of a dead woman" so she wasn't discussing it either, she jsut was trying to be a mom, and make me feel better, I was about 9 or 10, I don't remember if they were married yet or not. But I think they were, it had to have been early in the marriage, because they got married when I was 10. Anywho, I was very excited about this effort she was making to make me feel better, so I say to Dad, on the escalator, "Mom is gonna get me some of those panties with the lace in the front to hold my tummy in!" Thinking, she really likes me! She's doing something cool to make me feel better. I don't know what I expected him to say, but it sure wasn't what I got, "You don't need none of those damn things, you need to stop eating." And he turns and walks off the escalator. We had reached the top. I remember my cheeks stinging and hot, which meant they were red, a condition they would stay in for much of my young adult life, from embarrasment, shame, anger or sadness. I don't think we got the panties either.
I have to add to this story the fact that, my father is a very quiet man, does not say much, and when finally does have an outburst, which is what it usually is, because he holds it in and ruminates about whatever it is for days, weeks, months or years, before he finally says it, it is either very profound or hurtful. This comment was the latter.
It took years before I actually articulated to myself, "My dad thinks I'm fat"
He never commented on my weight or body again, until he was walking me down the aisle and said, "this is the first time I've touched your belly" I was pregnant with the Profound one at the time. Hubby and I had been engaged for two months when we found out about Miss ma'am, and we decided not to move the date up, and however I looked walking down the aisle, is how I looked.
hmmm...
Interesting. That hurt to think about. But it felt good to get it out. As I endeavor in developing this relationship with my own daughter, I worry about her body image. She is svelt, flexible, wonderfully free with her body, and fine. I worry about predators and rapists and all of the things that a mother worrys about. But I worry about flashbulb memories, and I hope that more of hers are about the good times, the times when we tell her she can do anything, that she is loved, that we are soooooo proud of her, that she makes our lives happy and full, and that she is beautiful. Inside as well as out.
I have mixed feelings about it. I mean, I am truly okay that I am not. But I don't want to wait as long as we did with in between the Profound one and the Mighty one. (FYI--those are the meanings of my kids first names, Profound and Mighty, respectively). But I also miss the stage, this year I've been doing more directing than anything. But I miss performing. I always feel like I'm losing my edge if I'm not in a show. Though it has slowed down in the past two years, the work I have done, has been significant, and I feel is contributing to my longevity. however, I am an actress. I want to do a show darn it! So, that is the end of my whining for the moment.
Star over at Other Stories has begun an interesting exercise, check out the post "memory lane: take one."
What really interests me about it, are the things that become flashbulb memories for us. We may not remember every detail of these memories, but they effect us so much that we are shaped by them. For whatever reason, reading that post made me think of one of these memories, also surrounding body image, I guess that would be the reason, ha!
My dad, stepmom and I were in Krauss, a privately owned department store where my parents worked. I can never remember if Star was there or not, sometimes, I think she was, other times, I think she wasn't. Anyway, we were on the escalator, and I remember, I was feeling badly about the way my stomach stuck out. I was an overweight child, no doubt resulting from grief over the death of my mother, and the fact that everytime I tried to talk about it, someone would feed me, sugar or salt, because they were ill-equipped to discuss suicide with a child who was old enough to understand what happened, and that it was something we didn't talk about, and the fact that it wasn't a regular kind of suicide, because I knew mommy wasn't herself, only to find out, finally, at about 19, she had post-partum psychosis, and nobody, and I mean nobody was able to just say, we love you and we know that you are sad, and give me hug, or hell an apple instead of a cookie, so you have a ten year old with body issues...
so (step)Mom decided that she was gonna get me some tummy control undies, cause she didn't know what to do either, and she didn't want to "live in the shadow of a dead woman" so she wasn't discussing it either, she jsut was trying to be a mom, and make me feel better, I was about 9 or 10, I don't remember if they were married yet or not. But I think they were, it had to have been early in the marriage, because they got married when I was 10. Anywho, I was very excited about this effort she was making to make me feel better, so I say to Dad, on the escalator, "Mom is gonna get me some of those panties with the lace in the front to hold my tummy in!" Thinking, she really likes me! She's doing something cool to make me feel better. I don't know what I expected him to say, but it sure wasn't what I got, "You don't need none of those damn things, you need to stop eating." And he turns and walks off the escalator. We had reached the top. I remember my cheeks stinging and hot, which meant they were red, a condition they would stay in for much of my young adult life, from embarrasment, shame, anger or sadness. I don't think we got the panties either.
I have to add to this story the fact that, my father is a very quiet man, does not say much, and when finally does have an outburst, which is what it usually is, because he holds it in and ruminates about whatever it is for days, weeks, months or years, before he finally says it, it is either very profound or hurtful. This comment was the latter.
It took years before I actually articulated to myself, "My dad thinks I'm fat"
He never commented on my weight or body again, until he was walking me down the aisle and said, "this is the first time I've touched your belly" I was pregnant with the Profound one at the time. Hubby and I had been engaged for two months when we found out about Miss ma'am, and we decided not to move the date up, and however I looked walking down the aisle, is how I looked.
hmmm...
Interesting. That hurt to think about. But it felt good to get it out. As I endeavor in developing this relationship with my own daughter, I worry about her body image. She is svelt, flexible, wonderfully free with her body, and fine. I worry about predators and rapists and all of the things that a mother worrys about. But I worry about flashbulb memories, and I hope that more of hers are about the good times, the times when we tell her she can do anything, that she is loved, that we are soooooo proud of her, that she makes our lives happy and full, and that she is beautiful. Inside as well as out.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Louisiana
So, every once and while, I'm simply gonna do this so the adsense thing, puts up the ad for folks to donate to charities for the relief of Hurricane Katrina victims1...hurricane hurricane hurricane.....
See no evil...
So....
I guess, I'll stop playing peek-a-boo with the news and comment on the goings on of the world a little bit. I have been avoiding comment about the primaries, because I am often afraid that my political commentary will be much too elementary when compared to my contemporaries.
But as I showed my 10th grade drama majors as the school of the arts, Ethnic Notions a brilliant documentary by Marlon Riggs, I could no longer ignore what was happening around me.
Sigh...
So, they still haven't, and I mean none of them have commented on the situation in Louisiana and Mississippi, post-Katrina. I am not really surprised, but I am still outraged. What further outrages me, is that no one seems to be asking them about what they are going to do about it.Or the wildfires in Cali...or whatever the natural disaster is that is happening in this country. What are they going to do about the children in this country that are hungry and starving? What are they going to do about health care in this country? What are they going to do about racial profiling, hate crimes and education in THIS COUNTRY!?!
On a more random note...
lots of white suburban women are going to vote for Barak because Oprah endorsed him when she was on Ellen. I don't have an opinion about that other than what I just stated. I am stating the things that I feel to be truth in 2008 unapologetically and I affirm that I am maturing enough not to care whether or not someone seconds that emotion.
Most importantly find out what these folk are doing and saying and go vote!
I guess, I'll stop playing peek-a-boo with the news and comment on the goings on of the world a little bit. I have been avoiding comment about the primaries, because I am often afraid that my political commentary will be much too elementary when compared to my contemporaries.
But as I showed my 10th grade drama majors as the school of the arts, Ethnic Notions a brilliant documentary by Marlon Riggs, I could no longer ignore what was happening around me.
Sigh...
So, they still haven't, and I mean none of them have commented on the situation in Louisiana and Mississippi, post-Katrina. I am not really surprised, but I am still outraged. What further outrages me, is that no one seems to be asking them about what they are going to do about it.Or the wildfires in Cali...or whatever the natural disaster is that is happening in this country. What are they going to do about the children in this country that are hungry and starving? What are they going to do about health care in this country? What are they going to do about racial profiling, hate crimes and education in THIS COUNTRY!?!
On a more random note...
lots of white suburban women are going to vote for Barak because Oprah endorsed him when she was on Ellen. I don't have an opinion about that other than what I just stated. I am stating the things that I feel to be truth in 2008 unapologetically and I affirm that I am maturing enough not to care whether or not someone seconds that emotion.
Most importantly find out what these folk are doing and saying and go vote!
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